This is me… This is who I am.

My name is Mat A-B. I am the son of Judy and Andrew. Half brother of Kelly, Joshua, Emily and Nicole. When I was born my parent’s were not married to each other. My father ran away whey I was 1 week old. He moved to Brisbane. He said that God told him to, but I don’t think God would appreciate his name being used for my father’s uncle.  My mother took me to see father a couple of times as a baby. Not much, only once or twice. My mother also sent him some letters and photos of me, he sent them back. He never called, never wrote, never cared. None of his side of the family ever cared, except my aunty. They would’ve had nothing to do with me if it weren’t for her. It was like I was the rope and the two sides were having a tug of war, but she was the only one pulling on my father’s side, all the others had given up on me. 

My mother’s father took my mother to hospital for the ultrasounds and for my birth because my father didn’t want anything to do with me. I was the first of his grandchildren whose heartbeat he heard on the ultrasound. I’m not quite sure what happened when he heard it, but I think he made a promise to himself that he would take extra care of me. I was also the first of his grandchildren that he held. He had a special bond with me, one that he didn’t have with the other grandchildren. And even though him and my grandmother lived far away, he raised me like a son. 

My real father decided that he would try and be a father when I was 8 years old. He came back for me, or at least I thought it was for me. In 2007 he met a woman. A woman that he took me on a date with and only decided to tell me that it was a date afterwards. This hurt. In late 2007 my father died. Not my biological father. But the father who had heard my heartbeat and been at the hospital for my birth and held me and raised me. I remember the day well. Too well. First was the shock, then the denial all within 5 minutes. Then I wanted to cry, but tears didn’t fall readily. That was the day my father died.

In late 2008 my biological father announced that he was getting married to the woman. In even later 2008 he told me that the woman was pregnant. In early 2009 he got married to the woman. In mid 2009 the replacement was born, Jeremy. The name of the kid that bullied me in primary school. But my father wouldn’t have known that, and if he did, he wouldn’t have cared. As of that day I’ve seen what my father does with the replacement. Plays games, has fun, raises a child. All the things that he never wanted to do with me. And that hurts.

This is me… This is who I am. Biological son of Judy and Andrew. Emotional son of Stanley. One of my fathers has died… The other wouldn’t care if I did.  

Overdose on stainless steel

I’ve always said
That crying is better than cutting,
But never before have I found crying so…
Unsatisfactory.
We held hands today
And it wasn’t because you saw a creepy man,
Or a vicious dog.
It was for me this time,
Cause I felt,
And cause you knew how I felt.
I squeezed your hand,
Many times.
“Why did you do that?”
You asked.
I said it was because my foot hurt,
I lied.
The times that I squeezed your hand,
They were the times I wanted to die